“Train up a child…”

One aspect that clinical and research psychologists focus on is what is known as a schema. It is basically a fancy word used to describe the interpretations of life’s events. For example, a child who lives in an intact family with mom and dad and siblings believes this to be the way it is for any and all families. Another example is the fact that a child may only know their teacher to be Mrs. Somebody and only associate them with the classroom and may be genuinely surprised to run into them at the grocery store. In their minds, it’s hard for them to see their teachers in another role doing other things. Until the child gets older and can begin to understand things in a more concrete way, that’s just what and why they believe the things they do.

Now I say that because parents have the grandest of opportunities to inculcate into the minds of their very young children the ideals that they need to live by. Telling the truth, being helpful, respecting authority, believing and honoring God, among many other things can be accomplished while the children hold to these rigid views, known as schemas. But remember, as the child gets older and develops higher levels of cognition, they will learn that not all people are honest, not all people are helpful, and worse yet, not all people believe in God. So, what’s the key? Constant and consistent teaching and reinforcing of their ideal beliefs. I’ll show you how that works in a moment.

Look at Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Do you see something interesting in this verse? How young is a child and how old is old? Do you ever stop being their parent? Do they ever stop being your child? I’m not trying to split hairs, but I think it speaks to constant and consistent teaching and training that may or may not be ongoing for many years. A child will learn 2+2 at the age of five, but then many more things are built upon that foundation that by the time they are in high school, they are doing trigonometry. A child will get nowhere in this world only knowing basic addition. Neither will a child develop in the Lord if they are only taught to believe and honor God and get no teaching to build upon that foundation.

When I wanted to play tennis, someone taught me the basics. It was training that got me to play at the level I did. While I was in college working with a coach on a daily basis, I got better and more and more skilled because of one thing…my coach saw what I was doing wrong and corrected me. Look at the verse again…TRAIN up a child. My coach trained me to be the best I could be and I won many tournaments and collegiate awards. But when I didn’t have my coach anymore after I transferred schools, my game went down fast. I didn’t have daily sessions with my coach and more importantly, I got into all the little bad habits that my coach corrected me out of when we worked together.

Parents need to not only invest time in teaching their children the basics, but also need to take the time to TRAIN up their children. We need to correct them as often as necessary to keep them on the path to growing in the Lord. God promises that if we train our children, then when they are older, they will not depart from it. As my illustration shows, and the Bible confirms this, training has much to do with correction. Consider these examples: “In the lips of him that hath understanding wisdom is found: but a rod is for the back of him that is void of understanding” (Proverbs 10:13); “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him promptly” (Proverbs 13:24); “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him” (Proverbs 22:15); lastly, “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shall beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell” (Proverbs 23:13,14). But correction takes commitment.

Unfortunately the society we live in today is not pro-family. Parents are busy. Too often both parents work two full-time jobs. Children get brought to daycare at 7:30am and aren’t picked up until 5:30pm. From then, it’s hurry up and make dinner, get baths done, maybe spend a half-hour playing with the children, then it’s off to bed and mom and dad relax before going to bed early to do it all again the next day. There is no quantity or quality of time with their children, let alone any opportunity to be involved in their lives enough to see their weaknesses and correct them.

And it’s not only the youngest of children suffering this state, it’s school-age children. Do you realize that, according to a government report I read recently, there are over 5 million school-aged children who are so-called “latchkey kids.” We’re not talking high school students either; we’re talking nine to twelve-year-olds. Hey, if you live in Maryland, you are legally able to leave your child home alone at the age of FIVE! Maybe under the right circumstances, if I left everything out for her, my six-year-old could manage a few hours alone without my wife or me. But she would be home, unattended, and alone, without my knowledge of what she was reading, watching, or viewing on the Internet. I can’t train and correct the wrongs I don’t see because I’m not involved the way I should be because I’m too busy.

God gives a very big warning as to why it’s important to put family first and train our children the way He wants us to. Remember what the Bible says is important. Consistent training coupled with correction from keen and more knowledgeable eyes, ears, minds, and hearts. This is only achieved through very involved parents who are devoted to the task of training their children to grow up in the ways of the Lord and not depart from them. Now here’s the warning…”…a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15). Alone in this case is being uninvolved through either physical or emotional separation. Some parents work too much while other parents just don’t care.

Now here’s a story of a father who did care, and his daughter did what was right when she was older. In Judges 11:30-40 we find that this man Jephthah was going to attempt to conquer the enemies in the land of Ammon. He asked God to deliver these enemies into his hands and in return Jephthah vowed to God “Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord’s, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering” (vs. 31). So Jephthah was victorious and was returning home triumphantly and excited over what the Lord has done for him. Guess what met him at the door when he got home…his daughter…his only child (vs. 34). Now in verse 35, he gets emotional and rents his clothes because he knows the bargain he made with God, and now his only daughter walks through the door and he is beside himself, yet determined to honor his vow…”for I have opened my mouth unto the Lord, and I can not go back.” Now catch what she says, “My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the Lord, do that to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth; for as much as the Lord hath taken vengeance for thee of thine enemies, even of the children of Ammon” (vs. 36). In verse 39 we see the daughter willingly allowed her father to carry out his vow.

What I see here is a man who is honorable and makes a vow to God. God does what Jephthah asks of Him and now requires Jephthah to honor his vow even under the circumstances that his only child is involved. Jephthah’s daughter can see that her father is distraught but agrees to submit to her father’s vow before God because, I believe, for two reasons. First, she sees, and has seen consistently, that God is important to her father and second, that keeping your word and being honorable before God is important.

I think my eloquence is escaping me at the moment, but what I’m trying to get across to parents is this…I believe that Jephthah at one time told his daughter how God was to be loved and honored, but I doubt he told her that only once. Not only do I think he told her consistently, but I believe she also saw in her fathers daily walk, consistently, how much God meant to him and how important He was. In turn, she made God an important part of her life and realized the importance of honoring God and keeping your word when making a vow with God. That, I believe, was displayed when she was older and became part of her father’s vow, and WILLINGLY went along with it. Had Jephthah not spent time training his daughter in spiritual matters, she may not have been so willing and may have cost her father the opportunity to keep his vow before God.

You know, you can roll the dice with your kids and hold your breath through the teen years and hope and pray it all works out eventually, but that’s not what Jephthah did. Train your children when they are young and maybe in twenty years they will make you proud and “give you rest…and delight” (Proverbs 29:17). Or, you can leave them to alone to themselves and the Bible promises they’ll bring shame to you. It’s our choice…it’s a priority check…but in the end…it’s our children.